15

I didn't tell the guys about Linda, nor the coffee rendezvous; I was still in a state of shock, not sure how to ship it to them in a way that wouldn't immediately be scuttled. I did relate the rest of the student activities trip, though.

Matt set his novel down, squaring it with the edge of the table. "We need a name. Pronto."

"I was thinking the same thing," Steve said.

"Stat!"

"Right." This would be tough--we decided earlier that we needed something that we not only liked, but wasn't in use. We'd all seen short-lived bands unknowingly use monikers all ready in use by indie bands, and attempts to let someone know were always derailed by the student bands folding after one (usually disastrous) gig. We didn't want to repeat this ourselves. Matt acted as some sort of fact-checker, since he stored an unparalleled amount of music trivia in his noggin.

"We can always use 'Supreme Catholic Finger.'"

"Hell no."

"We don't want to sound too smart."

"'Supreme Catholic Finger' does not run the risk of sounding too smart."

"I wasn't necessarily talking about that, I mean--"

"How about 'the Beetles,' like with an 'e' in pl--"

"How about no."

"How about you j--"

"How about 'Karate'?"

"That's taken."

"Then 'Judo CHOP,' with more emphasis on the chopping."

"Or 'Fecal Tower.'"

"I would quit the band."

"'Jackie Gleeson's Understudy'?"

"'Death Pinwheel.'"

"We would draw lots of metal heads, for sure. And make lots of enemies."

"I'm thinking 'Swiss Water Process.'"

"We can go the one-word route--'Pain.'"

"Yow. Some names just beg, beg for insults."

"'Dump.'"

"'Stained Mattress.'"

"Wow, we are definitely vomiting out the worst ideas ever."

"'The Happiness Band'?"

"'Give Us Money.'"

"'Palpable Darkness.'"

"Again, metal fans..."

"'Film Noir.'"

"'A John Ford Western.'"

"'The Constipation Band.' No, 'the Constipation Diary.'"

"Steve, there's a theme in all of y--"

"'The Robber Barons.'"

"Taken, but that's a good one."

"'Captains of Industry.'"

"Taken as well."

"'Captain of Industry'?"

"Ditto."

"Dammit!

"'Supreme Catholi--'"

"Time to stop it, Steve."

"'Boredom.'"

"Sounds too much like the Boredoms."

"'Unquestionable Lovechild.'"

A group of sophomores walked by our table, goggling and squinting and puckering lips.

"That might mean no."

"Why are all of the good names taken?"

"'Favoritism.'"

"Good, we need more abstract ideas coalesced into band names."

"OK. 'Politics.'"

"'College.'"

"Huh. 'Job Description.'"

"'Favoritism in Politics.'"

"'Flaming Shit Bag.'"

"'Hulkamania.'"

"'Face vs. Heel.'"

"'Rage Virus.'"

"'Airborne Sickness.'"

"'Widescreen.'"

"Hmm. That's getting better. But people will think we're fat."

"'Candygram.'"

"Getting colder..."

"'Epicenter.'"

"Warmer..."

"'Twilight Eyes.'"

"Frigid. Is that a Blue Oyster Cult song?"

"'Fell On Hard Times.'"

"Oh, we're singin da blues!"

"'Rationale.'"

"Whoa, I'm a fan."

I drummed my pencil. "Keep going, though. This is fun."

"OK. 'Wickett.'"

"Bzzt. Next."

"'The Retarded Men.'"

Matt and I pretended we didn't hear anything. "'The Royalists.'"

"That's a good stand-by, at least."

"'Beastmaster.'"

"'Stabbity Stab.'"

"'Altered Beast.'"

"'Ticket Taker.'"

"'The Bottle Rockets.'"

"That's taken. And they're good, too."

"OK. 'The Bottle Rockets UK.'"

"You're kidding."

"Hey, it's worked before."

"This is starting to become decidedly not fun."

"'Old Boys Club.'"

"That's another good one. Keep it on deck."

I held up my pencil, like a flagpole quaking under duress. Steve and Matt stopped mid sentence and looked at me. "Let's just go with the Rationale, OK? I have a feeling we're going run into a brick wall, like, really soon if we keep this up."

Matt nodded, slowly at first. "I can live with that. It has class."

"And style."

"And it appeals to the intellectuals, but rolls off of the tongue in a delightful manner so that the commonfolk can feel at home. 'Hey honey, fix me up some er them flapjacks. Ima puttin on the Rationale.'"

"It sounds like a cologne in that context."

"At least no one will confuse us for angry white kid music."

"Excellent," Matt said. He batted his novel between his hands, a real-time reenactment of Pong. "I'll call student activit--"

"I can do it," I said. I tightened my grip on the pencil.

Matt narrowed his eyes. "OK."

And they did not see my hand, under the table, shaking.